Fear

The Artist's Way - Week 12

Blake’s Notes 12/5/2018:
I’m getting this post out a little later than usual, it’s already been a busy week for me on a lot of different directions so I apologize. This week (last week) was a super busy one, that had a lot of rough points. A lot of what you are about to read all was written Saturday afternoon while I was in my car waiting for rain to stop so I could go on my pseudo artist date.

Needless to say I didn’t really have enough time, energy, or frankly anything positive to say so what is below is literally the bare minimum without any commentary.

I have one more major update coming from my TAW experience, and expect that in the next week or so.

Week 12 Goals:

Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Complete as many additional tasks as possible.

Tasks:

  1. Write down any resistance, angers, and fears you have about going on from here. We all have them.

    I’m afraid that for all of the forward momentum I have made that I will backpedal. I’m afraid that I don’t know the next steps and how to execute them. I’m afraid that I will be enticed to stay in my current position by money or other perks, instead of taking the steps to work for myself. I’m angry with myself that it has taken this long for me to find value in myself. But yet I have resistance to change, I don’t want to let anyone down.

  2. Take a look at your current areas of procrastination. What are the payoffs in your waiting? Locate the hidden fears.

    The biggest part of my procrastination involves my current debts. I need to take more of an inventory, and see where I can trim down. The more I can lock those down the better. The payoff would be a moderate amount of stability. Any additional help I can get would be better.

  3. Mend any mending.

  4. Repot any pinched and languishing plants.

  5. Now, check how: Honestly, what would you most like to create? Open-minded, what oddball paths would you dare to try? Willing, what appearances are you willing to shed to pursue your dream.

    There are several projects in the works, I just need to find a way to finance them or move forward. Even though it’s been done before I keep thinking of my “Friends IRL” project, and another somehow involving small town strip clubs. I’ve been joking about doing acid in the desert, and although I don’t want to go that far (probably) I’d still like to take some time for me and go exploring the world.

  6. Re-read this book. Share it with a friend. Remember that the miracle is one artist sharing with another. Trust Yourself.

    Consider it done. Kristin, you are up next. Also you are the only person I know who has consistently kept up with these posts. Consider this me calling you out...hope you can get something out of this  

Check-In:

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? Have you accepted them yet as permanent spiritual practice? How was the experience for you?

Without really thinking about it I skipped a day this week. I don’t have any excuse for it, I looked over at my notebook when I woke up, but instead went back to sleep.  

I’m not sure if it’s just this week, but I feel like I am just writing the same things over and over without getting the “answers” I’m looking for. If such an answer does exist somewhere.  

I would like to experiment with different ways to write my morning pages. Maybe type them, maybe keep them on my phone (I did spend $10 on an app I’m not using since I returned the IPad a few weeks back). 

Did you do your artist date this week? Will you allow yourself these on a permanent basis as well? What did you do? How did it feel?

 It’s Saturday when I’m typing this out from my phone, I’m sitting outside of a local Barnes and Noble about to head inside. I don’t know if I can count this as a date...but it’s as good of a date as any I guess (and unless I actually decide to buy something it shouldn’t cost me anything).

 I’d love to keep taking myself on dates, but of all of the various parts of this process this is the part I have had the most problems with  . I can’t ever think of anything free or low cost that I’d enjoy doing. And then of course there is time. It just seems so limited.  

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it?

Not really any that I noticed

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recovery? Describe them.

Expect a better put together post-script coming soon. Over all I think this week certainly was a week, but each day is a step in the right direction.

The Artist's Way - Week 11

Day 70:

It always seems to be Sunday when I miss my morning pages. This morning I got an email that invited me to be part of a Podcast. Which of course I needed to respond to ASAP, before heading off for an Engagement shoot and a special event for one of my roommates. Its about 8:00pm now and I’m just getting around to my TAW work for the week. I realized I missed some of my tasks as well, so I will finish those this week like I did for last week:

The Awful Truth:
Answer the following questions:

  1. Tell the truth. What habit do you have that gets in the way of your creativity Coming from last week I really do think that my workaholism is a bad habit that gets in the way of my creativity. I spend so much time worrying about paying the bills with a “real” job that I overexert myself mentally and emotionally, and then when its time to create I am out of energy and tired most of the time.

  2. Tell the truth. What do you think might be a problem? It is. The other part has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failing, fear of appearing stupid, fear of needing to ask for help.

  3. What do you plan to do about the habit or problem? See last week. I think setting clear boundaries with myself and my job will be a huge part of correcting my workaholism.

    As for the fear. I think that is something I will need to conquer myself and will need some additional planning

  4. What is your payoff in holding on to this block? (If you can’t figure out your payoff, ask a trusted friend). I can’t really say there is a payoff. I mean, unless you count a rough case of financial stability over an artistic life that could have its ups and downs.


    Blake’s Notes:

    I’m going to pass by the other questions in this exercise. Since I am doing a lot of this work publically, I’d rather not have people be irritated with my thoughts “on them”.

Week 11 Goals:

Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Complete as many additional tasks as possible.

A few quotes stuck out at me from the reading this week:

“As an artist, I do not need to be rich but I do need to be richly supported. I cannot allow my emotional and intellectual life to stagnate or the work will show it. My life will show it. My temperment will show it. If I dont create I get crabby.”
— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way
“As an artist I can literally die of boredom. I kill myself when I fail to nurture my artist child because I am acting like somebody else’s idea of an adult. The more I nurture my artist child the more adult I am able to appear. Spoiling my artist means it will let me type that business letter. Ignoring my artist means a grinding depression”
— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way
“There is a connection between self-nurturing and self-respect. If I allow myself to be bullied and cowed by other people’s urges for me to be more normal and more nice, I sell myself out. They may like me better, feel more comfortable with my more conventional appearance or behavior, but I will hate myself. Hating myself I will lash out at myself and others.”
— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way
“Creativity is oxygen for our souls. Cutting off our creativity makes us savage. There is a real rage that surfaces when we are interfered with [...] we will react as if we are flghting for our lives– We are. ”
— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way
“If you are happier writing than not writing, painting than not painting, singing than not singing, acting than not acting, directing than not directing, for god’s sake let yourself do it. To kill your dreams because they are irresponsibe is to be irresponsivle to yourself. Credibility lies with you and [the universe] not with a vote of your friends and aquaintences. ”
— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

Tasks:

  • Tape yourself in your own voice reading The Basic Principles. Use this tape for meditation

  • Inventory for yourself the ways you have changed since beginning your recovery.

    I am finding more time (or moreso working on finding the time) for my creative self.
    I am realizing that people do care about what I think, and value my opinions.
    I am working towards a better future for my creative self.
    I am realizing that living a creative life is possible.
    I have allowed myself to invest in my future, instead of letting the idea of spending money cripple me.


  • List 5 ways you will change as you continue

    I will continue to nurture my artist child through education and doing.
    I will give myself more time to focus on creativity.
    I will put more focus on my work, and less on what people think of my work.
    I will believe in myself.
    I will allow myself to take the steps to move forward with my career as an artist.

  • List 5 ways you plan to nurture yourself in the next six months: Courses you will take, supplies you will allow yourself, artist’s dates, and vacations just for you.

    I will restart and also finish Zak Arias’ DEDPXL “Get to work” guide.
    I will purchase another Creative Live guide (I just need to decide which one or ones). Maybe I’ll even break down and get that Clay Cook tutorial from F-Stoppers, even if it is a little on the expensive side.
    I will do more research, and maybe purchase some more light modifiers (Once I realize which ones I really would use regularly).
    I’d really like a couple of good C-Stands with grip arms, but I don’t have a place to store them at the moment.
    I will do my best to plan a real vacation away from my day to day life. If only for a weekend, or even a day.
    I will make time for artist dates, and actually follow through with them.

  • Take out a piece of paper and plan one week’s nurturing for yourself. This means one concrete, loving action every single day for one week. Please binge

    Monday: A trip to Comedy and Beer night at the brewery.
    Tuesday: Stop off for a movie instead of sitting in traffic.
    Wednesday: A nice dinner, at a nice restaurant, without worrying about the cost.
    Thursday: Karaoke night in Kennesaw.
    Friday: Board games with friends.
    Saturday: An evening at the Korean spa. Maybe with friends, maybe alone.
    Sunday: An afternoon nap, without worrying about sleeping through the night.

Day 76:

It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I’m writing this after having driven home from seeing Family. I really wish I could have stayed a while longer, I probably could have, but also I needed to get back home in order to have some time to catch up before heading back to work next week.

I always hate when I have to leave early. I know that it’s heartbreaking to my family. But at the same time I think they realize that it’s a four hour drive from my house to theirs, and that I have my own life that needs to be lived.

During the drive I listened to another “self help” audiobook:

“Unfuck Yourself” - Gary John Bishop

“Unfuck Yourself” - Gary John Bishop

If The Artist’s Way is about nurturing the voice within, this book is about telling that voice to shut the hell up and get on with it. The book breaks down into a couple of “basic” principles:

  1. I AM WILLING

  2. I AM WIRED TO WIN

  3. I GOT THIS

  4. I EMBRACE THE UNCERTAINTY

  5. I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS; I AM WHAT I DO

  6. I AM RELENTLESS

  7. I EXPECT NOTHING & ACCEPT EVERYTHING.

I won’t go into much more detail than that, as I really think that this is worth a read. But I will say that it certainly gave me some ideas on how to…well…Unfuck myself. I hope that when times get tough (and they will) that I remember what this book has to teach.

Check-In:

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was the experience for you? Have you recommended morning pages to anyone yet? Why? 4. I missed Sunday (see last week’s answer to this question since I finished my check in on the same day I started this post), and I got up a little too late on “Black Friday” to write before I needed to grab a shower and head out to see my grandparents. I also missed on Saturday before heading home. I chose to prioritise sleep and a little extra family time before hitting the road.

While I can’t say I have recommended morning pages per se, I have recommended that many people take on a 12 week Artist’s Way journey themselves.

Did you do your artist date this week? Have you considered scheduling an entire artist’s day? What did you do? How did it feel? Another week down without a date. Unless I find something for myself to do tomorrow. I wish I was in a position to schedule an entire artist’s day.

Perhaps I should allow myself to take a personal day from work and just spend the day working on me. I’ll see what I can do, and hopefully the upcoming holidays won’t step on my plans too much.

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recovery? Describe them. I spent some time talking with my mother during Thanksgiving proper. We both are going through our own sets of challenges at the moment. But she made it clear that she knew what I was going through, even if she doesn’t have a way to help me at the moment.

As she was driving off to take my younger brothers home, she told me she was proud of me. And while I’m certain it wasn’t the first time she has said that…it did stick out in my memory. I just hope to keep it that way.

The Artist's Way - Week 9

Day 56:

Shit. I think I skipped my morning page today by accident. I didn’t even think about it until right now when I was typing up my blog for this week.

The time change was good in that I got some extra sleep (even better when combined with the exhaustion from last week). But it seems to have thrown me off in other places.

I ended up meeting with a friend tonight after completing my other errands and played some board games. I need to make sure I get home with enough time to do my readings and other pre-prep for the week.

This week may be a little lacking on content since I think the only real exercises involve going over my previous morning pages and combing them for insights. Maybe I’ll share some of the findings that come up.

Counting this week there are only 3 more weeks to go before I have “finished” the program for the first time.

On the plus side I think I booked an engagement shoot today. Still need to get the contract finalized and signed, but that puts some much needed work on my calendar before the end of the year.

Week 9 Goals:

Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Complete as many additional tasks as possible.

Day 59:

I bought the damn iPad Pro.

Tasks:

  1. Read your morning pages! Do not judge the pages or yourself.

    1. Take Stock: What have you been constantly complaining about? What have you procrastinated on? What blessedly have you allowed yourself to change or accept?

    2. Take Heart: Don’t be thrown by black and white thinking.

    3. Acknowledge: Give yourself credit for undertaking them. Give them credit for the changes and growth they have fostered.

  2. Visualizing: Fully imagine having your goal accomplished. Spend enough time filling in the juicy details that would really make the experience wonderful for you.

    1. Name your goal: I am __________

    2. In the present tense describe yourself doing it at the height of your powers! This is your ideal scene.

    3. Read this aloud to yourself.

    4. Post this above your work area.

    5. Read this aloud, daily!

  3. Priorities: List for yourself your creative goals for the year [2019]. List for yourself your creative goals for the month. List for yourself your creative goals for the week.

  4. Creative U-Turns:

    1. Name one of your creative U-turns.

    2. Name three more.

    3. Name the one that just kills you.

    4. Forgive yourself. Devise a list of personal affirmations to help you do better in the future.

    5. Choose one creative U-turn. Retrieve it. Mend it.

    6. What creative dreams are lurching toward possibility? Admit that they frighten you.

Day 63:

Blake’s Note: Honestly, I didn’t get anything done for TAW this week. Between the new iPad launch (and my subsequent article being written and picked up), work, and Erin and Preston’s wedding I have been too busy to think of anything TAW related. I think this is the first week I have completely “Failed” all of my tasks for the week.

However I do consider it a success in many ways. I was able to creatively stretch my wings and do some writing that is making its way across the internet. And I was able to shoot and deliver some fantastic wedding photos for a wonderful couple. All while managing my regular responsibilities at my day job.

Check-In:

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? Regarding your U-Turns, have you allowed yourself a shift toward compassion, at least on the page? I completed most of my morning pages, except for this morning and last Sunday (Side note, I never know whether to count Sunday as the first or last day of my TAW Week). I think I have noticed a shift in my writings, and I’ve certainly noticed a shift in my overall mood for the most part. I still don’t give myself enough time for myself. But that is something that can still be worked on.

Did you do your artist date this week? Have you kept the emphasis on fun? What did you do? How did it feel? I didn’t really get a chance for a date this week, unless you count the time spent helping set up for Erin and Preston’s wedding, and then the subsequent shooting of it. Honestly this was the most fun wedding I have ever attended or worked. Everything went off mostly without a hitch, and I was able to get some great images in the process.

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it? In a way I kinda did. I consulted an online tarot card reading site I have used for years as to whether or not I should spend the money on the new iPad. The draw I received told me of two things: 1) New career changes are coming and 2) Don’t waste your money. Both of these are funny to me considering I bought the iPad, decided it wasn’t what I wanted, wrote a review of it, and that review was chosen to be reposted on two photography blogs.

Big things are coming I guess.

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recovery? Describe them. Being noticed as an artist (even if it’s for writing about technology and not photography) felt really good. I hope that I can continue creating content that people are interested in and maybe that will lead me closer to my end goals.

Also it was great to be looked up to at the wedding for the hard work I was putting in. The compliments I am hearing about my technique and the quality of the final images makes me feel wonderful as an artist. Several people came up asking if I was doing this full time, and a friend even made a suggestion that I should band together with some of my other friends/colleagues to offer a one stop wedding package service. As much as I am not a fan of working weddings, I wouldn’t be opposed if I had the support of a good team (and the money was right).

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