Day 70:
It always seems to be Sunday when I miss my morning pages. This morning I got an email that invited me to be part of a Podcast. Which of course I needed to respond to ASAP, before heading off for an Engagement shoot and a special event for one of my roommates. Its about 8:00pm now and I’m just getting around to my TAW work for the week. I realized I missed some of my tasks as well, so I will finish those this week like I did for last week:
The Awful Truth:
Answer the following questions:
Tell the truth. What habit do you have that gets in the way of your creativity Coming from last week I really do think that my workaholism is a bad habit that gets in the way of my creativity. I spend so much time worrying about paying the bills with a “real” job that I overexert myself mentally and emotionally, and then when its time to create I am out of energy and tired most of the time.
Tell the truth. What do you think might be a problem? It is. The other part has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failing, fear of appearing stupid, fear of needing to ask for help.
What do you plan to do about the habit or problem? See last week. I think setting clear boundaries with myself and my job will be a huge part of correcting my workaholism.
As for the fear. I think that is something I will need to conquer myself and will need some additional planning
What is your payoff in holding on to this block? (If you can’t figure out your payoff, ask a trusted friend). I can’t really say there is a payoff. I mean, unless you count a rough case of financial stability over an artistic life that could have its ups and downs.
Blake’s Notes:
I’m going to pass by the other questions in this exercise. Since I am doing a lot of this work publically, I’d rather not have people be irritated with my thoughts “on them”.
Week 11 Goals:
Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Complete as many additional tasks as possible.
A few quotes stuck out at me from the reading this week:
“As an artist, I do not need to be rich but I do need to be richly supported. I cannot allow my emotional and intellectual life to stagnate or the work will show it. My life will show it. My temperment will show it. If I dont create I get crabby.”
“As an artist I can literally die of boredom. I kill myself when I fail to nurture my artist child because I am acting like somebody else’s idea of an adult. The more I nurture my artist child the more adult I am able to appear. Spoiling my artist means it will let me type that business letter. Ignoring my artist means a grinding depression”
“There is a connection between self-nurturing and self-respect. If I allow myself to be bullied and cowed by other people’s urges for me to be more normal and more nice, I sell myself out. They may like me better, feel more comfortable with my more conventional appearance or behavior, but I will hate myself. Hating myself I will lash out at myself and others.”
“Creativity is oxygen for our souls. Cutting off our creativity makes us savage. There is a real rage that surfaces when we are interfered with [...] we will react as if we are flghting for our lives– We are. ”
“If you are happier writing than not writing, painting than not painting, singing than not singing, acting than not acting, directing than not directing, for god’s sake let yourself do it. To kill your dreams because they are irresponsibe is to be irresponsivle to yourself. Credibility lies with you and [the universe] not with a vote of your friends and aquaintences. ”
Tasks:
Tape yourself in your own voice reading The Basic Principles. Use this tape for meditation
Inventory for yourself the ways you have changed since beginning your recovery.
I am finding more time (or moreso working on finding the time) for my creative self.
I am realizing that people do care about what I think, and value my opinions.
I am working towards a better future for my creative self.
I am realizing that living a creative life is possible.
I have allowed myself to invest in my future, instead of letting the idea of spending money cripple me.List 5 ways you will change as you continue
I will continue to nurture my artist child through education and doing.
I will give myself more time to focus on creativity.
I will put more focus on my work, and less on what people think of my work.
I will believe in myself.
I will allow myself to take the steps to move forward with my career as an artist.List 5 ways you plan to nurture yourself in the next six months: Courses you will take, supplies you will allow yourself, artist’s dates, and vacations just for you.
I will restart and also finish Zak Arias’ DEDPXL “Get to work” guide.
I will purchase another Creative Live guide (I just need to decide which one or ones). Maybe I’ll even break down and get that Clay Cook tutorial from F-Stoppers, even if it is a little on the expensive side.
I will do more research, and maybe purchase some more light modifiers (Once I realize which ones I really would use regularly).
I’d really like a couple of good C-Stands with grip arms, but I don’t have a place to store them at the moment.
I will do my best to plan a real vacation away from my day to day life. If only for a weekend, or even a day.
I will make time for artist dates, and actually follow through with them.Take out a piece of paper and plan one week’s nurturing for yourself. This means one concrete, loving action every single day for one week. Please binge
Monday: A trip to Comedy and Beer night at the brewery.
Tuesday: Stop off for a movie instead of sitting in traffic.
Wednesday: A nice dinner, at a nice restaurant, without worrying about the cost.
Thursday: Karaoke night in Kennesaw.
Friday: Board games with friends.
Saturday: An evening at the Korean spa. Maybe with friends, maybe alone.
Sunday: An afternoon nap, without worrying about sleeping through the night.
Day 76:
It’s the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I’m writing this after having driven home from seeing Family. I really wish I could have stayed a while longer, I probably could have, but also I needed to get back home in order to have some time to catch up before heading back to work next week.
I always hate when I have to leave early. I know that it’s heartbreaking to my family. But at the same time I think they realize that it’s a four hour drive from my house to theirs, and that I have my own life that needs to be lived.
During the drive I listened to another “self help” audiobook:
“Unfuck Yourself” - Gary John Bishop
If The Artist’s Way is about nurturing the voice within, this book is about telling that voice to shut the hell up and get on with it. The book breaks down into a couple of “basic” principles:
I AM WILLING
I AM WIRED TO WIN
I GOT THIS
I EMBRACE THE UNCERTAINTY
I AM NOT MY THOUGHTS; I AM WHAT I DO
I AM RELENTLESS
I EXPECT NOTHING & ACCEPT EVERYTHING.
I won’t go into much more detail than that, as I really think that this is worth a read. But I will say that it certainly gave me some ideas on how to…well…Unfuck myself. I hope that when times get tough (and they will) that I remember what this book has to teach.
Check-In:
How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was the experience for you? Have you recommended morning pages to anyone yet? Why? 4. I missed Sunday (see last week’s answer to this question since I finished my check in on the same day I started this post), and I got up a little too late on “Black Friday” to write before I needed to grab a shower and head out to see my grandparents. I also missed on Saturday before heading home. I chose to prioritise sleep and a little extra family time before hitting the road.
While I can’t say I have recommended morning pages per se, I have recommended that many people take on a 12 week Artist’s Way journey themselves.
Did you do your artist date this week? Have you considered scheduling an entire artist’s day? What did you do? How did it feel? Another week down without a date. Unless I find something for myself to do tomorrow. I wish I was in a position to schedule an entire artist’s day.
Perhaps I should allow myself to take a personal day from work and just spend the day working on me. I’ll see what I can do, and hopefully the upcoming holidays won’t step on my plans too much.
Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recovery? Describe them. I spent some time talking with my mother during Thanksgiving proper. We both are going through our own sets of challenges at the moment. But she made it clear that she knew what I was going through, even if she doesn’t have a way to help me at the moment.
As she was driving off to take my younger brothers home, she told me she was proud of me. And while I’m certain it wasn’t the first time she has said that…it did stick out in my memory. I just hope to keep it that way.