The Artist's Way - Week 7

Day 42:

In the reading this week I am reminded of two things:

"Don't compare your behind the scenes to some else's highlight reel" - Someone

And–

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Week 7 Goals:

Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Archeology, An Exercise
Complete as many additional Exercises as possible.

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Archeology, An Exercise

Complete these phrases:

1. As a kid I missed the chance to be a kid

2. As a kid I lacked friends my own age

3. As a kid I could have used a mentor or someone that would just listen to me

4. As a kid I dreamed of being a scientist

5. As a kid I wanted to be loved and understood

6. In my house we never had enough time for ourselves

7. As a kid I needed more positive re-enforcement

8. I am sorry that I will never again see a world where everything doesn’t exist in your pocket

9. For years I have missed and wondered about “G”, I wonder how she is doing these days

10. I beat myself up about the loss of my youthful energy

“It is important to acknowledge our positive inventory as well as our shortfalls. Take positive stock of what good you have to build on in the present.”

— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

Finish these phrases:

1. I have a loyal friend in Nathan, mostly, or Kristin, she always sets me straight

2. One thing I like about my town is how close I am to just about everything I want to do

3. I think I have nice wit

4. Writing my morning pages have shown me I can change up my day to day and set new habits.

5. I am taking a greater interest in starting something for myself

6. I believe I am getting better at managing my stress and feelings

7. My artist has started to pay more attention to other artists and their struggles and challenges

8. My self-care is a big bath tub with plenty of room. I wish I had one.

9. I feel more calm, confident, and full of anxiety all at once.

10. Possibly, my creativity is wanting more from me and the world around me .
    

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There will probably be a lot of poor excuses on this one. I was traveling all week for work and didn’t get a whole lot of time to myself to complete the tasks assigned.

Tasks:

• Make this phrase a mantra “Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong” I made the effort to write this at the top of each of my morning pages, and think heavily about how I can treat myself better day to day.

• Give yourself time to listen to one side of an album, just for joy. This was able to be done, except the album could have probably been more joyful. I found myself wanting to listen to The Downward Spiral a few times this week…and I did.

• Take yourself to a sacred space and allow yourself to savor the silence and healing solitude. Silence is pretty hard to find in New York City. I’ll take some time next week and see what quiet places I can find.

• Wear your favorite item of clothing for no special occasion. This also will probably be a next week task.

• Buy yourself one wonderful pair of socks, one wonderful pair of gloves– One wonderfully comforting self-loving something. I’ve spent a lot of money on my Artist-child over the last few weeks. I think I need to slow down lest I become way more in debt than I want to.

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Check In:

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? Have you allowed yourself to daydream a few creative risks? Are you coddling your artist child with childhood loves? I skipped a few days this week, 2 for sure and I did a half day one day. I was in a van a lot for work, and also on a very tight timeline most of the mornings.

I want to have more time to daydream, and I’d love to coddle my artist child more. But I’m not sure how.

Did you do your artist date this week? Did you use it to take any risks? What did you do? How did it feel? I also skipped my artist date. Which of course really sucks because I was in one of the most fantastic of cities in which to do just that.

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it? None that I noticed.

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recovery? Describe them. I almost feel like I backtracked a little this week. I dove into my day job hard, and really didn’t carve out any time for me.

I feel really anxious as I am finalizing this entry, I wanted so much more out of it. I will do better in the upcoming week to try and “catch up”.

The Artist's Way - Week 6

Day 35:

I am unusually excited for today. I have been planning a shoot for the last few weeks and am really happy to be back behind the camera using some new equipment. By the time this blog goes live I should have the photos ready to post in a secondary Blog post, but until then I’ll share the following two sneak peeks.

A couple of thumbnails from what happened tonight.

Just take a look at this good lookin’ fellow.

I wanted my Halloween set this year to pay homage/tribute to the late Rick Genest AKA Zombie Boy who unexpectedly passed away a few months ago. RIP you beautiful human being.

Because of the shoot my homework for the week is going to be pushed back a little bit while I get the creative juices out.

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Week 6 Goals:

Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Money Madness, An Exercise
Complete as many additional Exercises as possible.

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Day 36:

The end of today was very frustrating, dealing with UPS and international shipments made my blood boil. I was anticipating coming home to work on photos and go to sleep when a comedian friend from LA dropped me a message and said he was having a show.

I’ll take this as the Universe’s way of telling me I need to calm the fuck down and chill out for a few hours.

When Rivers Langley invites you out to a comedy show…you go.

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Money Madness, An Exercise:

Complete the following phrases:

1. People with money are luckier than they know

2. Money makes people change

3. I’d have more money if I had less bills to pay each month.

4. My dad thought money was something to be hidden away

5. My mom always thought money would help provide

6. In my family, money caused a lot of confusion

7. Money equals comfort

8. If I had money I’d be a lot more comfortable in my day to day

9. If I could afford it, I’d rent a studio space and quit my day job

10. If I had some money I’d probably stress about whether to spend or save it

11. I’m afraid that if I had money I would forget what it was like to not have any money.

12. Money is a needed evil

13. Money Causes some people to be happy, and other people to be miserable.

14. Having money is not all its cracked up to be

15. In order to have money I’d need to work even harder or win the lottery

16. When I have money I usually spend it

17. I think money could solve a lot of my current problems

18. If I weren’t so cheap I’d buy more photography equipment

19. People think money isn’t as big of a deal as it actually is

20. Being broke tells me I know how to survive without a lot of money

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Additional Tasks

• Clearing: Throw out or give away 5 ratty pieces of clothing This was surprisingly easy, this time. Usually I tend to hoard old clothes for sentimental reasons. But this time it was easy to pick out some things from another life and give them to Goodwill.

  I even found a few pieces I may try to sell on eBay to make a few extra dollars.

• Creation: Bake Something (or make a fruit salad)

A food photographer I am not, but I can throw together a mean fruit salad

• Communication: Send a postcard to a friend. Can a Twitter message count? I couldn’t find an address to send a physical card. But I did send a thank you message to someone who saw my potential and helped me realize there was more to my path than working a crappy retail 9-5.

• Re-read the basic principles daily. I’ve actually missed this several times this week because I have forgotten to do them. Even though I have them written at the beginning of my morning pages notebook.

• Acceptance: Any new flow in your life? Practice saying “Yes” to Freebies (See above Day 36).

  Also Facebook gave me $15 in “free advertising”. So I figured why the hell not and decided to throw a few of my own dollars into the mix. I still feel a little dirty about it, but let’s see where it goes.

• Prosperity: Any changes to your financial situation or your perspective on it? Any new– even crazy– ideas about what you would love doing? No real changes so far, but next week I’ll be spending some time with the president of my day job, earlier this year he offered to sit down with me and discuss my financial future with the company (eg: Raises and Compensation). Maybe it will lead somewhere that will make things much more comfortable in the short term.
  
  I’ve been thinking a ton about the lottery (so is the rest of the country I guess). It would be wonderful to win a Billion dollars (yeah, probably closer to 500 million after tax). No longer would I have to limit myself because of finances.
  
  I still maintain that I’d probably end up giving away a lot of it. I’d much rather “spread the wealth” and help other people live their dreams as well.

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Day 41:

It finally happened. I’m now dreaming about morning pages…

I didn’t win the lottery. I mean, at heart I knew it wasn’t going to be that easy. But that doesn’t stop me from dreaming about it.

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Check In:

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? Have you used them to think about creative luxury for yourself? I ended up missing a page this week. Today actually. Yesterday I dreamed that I missed a few days and woke up very anxious about it, but today I got up later than I wanted to and had to get ready for a wedding. So I had no choice but to miss today.

I don’t feel as anxious as I did in my dream, but I still don’t feel great about it. It’s getting a little late in the day so I need to prep for next week still. But I should be ok.

I don’t think I’ve been musing in the pages about creative luxuries for myself, but I have been thinking about them more. I still dream of a studio, or a space I can use as such. This is my goal.

Did you do your artist date this week? Have you considered allowing yourself two? What did you do? How did you feel? I had a ton of errands to get ready for next week’s trip to NYC for work. I went out and bought a new pair of jeans, and looked at shoes.

I guess this could be considered a date as I was doing something for myself. I considered buying a leather jacket. Not that I really need one. But something inside of me likes the idea of me wearing one.

I’d love to have more time to go on dates. But I find it hard enough to schedule one each week. If only there was more time in the day.

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it? Monday after my day job I left in a very bad mood. I had been dealing with a frustrating shipping issue for most of the tail end of the day and just wanted to get home, eat dinner, and work on photos. But as I got on the interstate a friend from out of town sent me a text and invited me to see him perform stand-up comedy (See day 36 above).

I really do think that was the universe’s way of telling me to calm down and take a load off for an hour or so. Even if I was REALLY tired the next day at work.

Taylor - 2018.

A few years around this time Taylor showed up to a Halloween party with a face full of makeup that he had been wearing all day (and would continue to wear all through the night) courtesy of his partner Courtney (with whom I have worked with in the past and consider a member of my current and future “team”).

I was impressed then, but was reminded of it this year when it came time to shoot my yearly Halloween series of images.

Courtney worked her magic, and within a few minutes I knew I had something I loved. I’m happy to share with you the results of our evening spent together.

But before we get there, first this. A few months ago Rick Genest AKA “Zombie Boy” tragically died in what is being investigated as a freak accident a few days after his 32nd birthday. While I didn’t know him personally, Rick had a look that few could top. And even if you don’t think you knew of him, there is a good chance that you have seen his photo. I dedicate this year’s series to him and the beautiful legacy he left behind.

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Happy Halloween everyone.

Model: Taylor
Makeup: Courtney Walters Makeup

The Artist's Way - Week 5

Day 28:
Finally getting around to printing some of my Germany photos. I forgot how good it feels to print. I just can’t believe what I’m getting out of these files.

I just want to give them all away as gifts.

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Week 5 Goals:

Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Virtue Trap Quiz
Forbidden Joys Exercise
Complete as many additional Exercises as possible.

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Day 28 (Continued):
I just finished the readings for this week, and spent some time getting things pre-typed and ready for my answers below. This week is gonna be good…I have a feeling shit is about to get real.

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Virtue Trap Quiz:

1. The biggest lack in my life is romance

2. The greatest joy in my life is photography

3. My largest time commitment is working at my day job

4. As I play more, I work about the same

5. I feel guilty that I am

6. I worry that I will never be able to pay back my debts.

7. If my dreams come true, my family will hopefully support me in my decisions

8. I sabotage myself so people will find me useful.

9. If I let myself feel it, I’m angry that I can’t allow myself to just do what I love

10. One reason I get so sad sometimes is I don’t allow myself to do what I want to do because I am afraid of spending the money on “unimportant” things.

“Does your life serve you or only others? Are you self destructive?”

— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

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Forbidden Joys Exercise

“List ten things you love and would love to do but are not allowed to do.”

— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

1. Travel More

2. Spend more time with Family without having to drive 4 hours

3. Drive fast

4. Spend money without feeling guilty

5. Buy toys from my childhood

6. Waste time playing video games

7. Spend a bunch of money on tacky Halloween things

8. Go Trick or Treat-ing

9. Spend a ton of money in a real arcade

10. Spend more time at Conventions.

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Wish list, an Exercise

“As quickly as you can finish the following phrases”

— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

1. I wish I had access to a studio space

2. I wish I was out of debt completely

3. I wish I was working for myself

4. I wish I could be happy in my own skin

5. I wish people would take me seriously as an artist

6. I wish I never sold my Mustang after college

7. I wish I had a house I could call mine

8. I wish I didn’t have to worry about money all the time

9. I wish I wasn’t so jealous of my other artist friends

10. I wish more people compensated me for my time and efforts

11. I wish my day job paid me double what I make now

12. I wish I didn’t have to work so hard all the time

13. I wish I didn’t spend a lot of my free time alone

14. I wish I wasn’t tired all the time

15. I wish I could travel when I want without having to worry about costs

16. I wish I had partied more in college

17. I wish I had more close friends

18. I wish I didn’t have to hear about politics all the damn time

19. I most especially wish that I could make a good, honest, living with my art.

https://fstoppers.com/bts/transform-your-living-room-practical-studio-and-making-it-work-50096

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If I were twenty and had money…

List 5 Adventures:

1. I would have studied abroad

2. I would have partied more

3. I would have bought equipment outside of my skill range and shot the hell out of it.

4. I wouldn’t have student loans now

5. I probably would be working for myself right now.

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Day 31:
The last few days have been a little down. I mean, Tuesday was pretty cool because when all was said and done I got a new flash and some accessories, but today I’ve just felt off.

The Hurricane must be throwing off the pressure in my head.

And it doesn’t really help much that my exercises that I completed today depress the hell out of me.

I feel like I should be in a different place than I am now. Money seems to come up a lot. To be honest I feel like I have some issues surrounding it. Also I know that next week that topic comes up so lets see what next week brings.

But for now, I have some time.

I just need to keep prepping for this weekend’s shoot. I hope I can channel some of this frustration into good art.

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Ten ways I am mean to myself are…

“Just as making the positive explicit helps allow it into our lives, making the negative explicit helps us to exorcise it”

— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

1. I dwell on past decisions

2. I let people talk down to me without speaking up for myself

3. I talk down to myself

4. I say mean things to myself in the mirror

5. I push myself too hard when I need to go easy

6. I eat my feelings

7. I question many of my life choices

8. I don’t exercise enough

9. I don’t let things go if I say or do something stupid

10. I think I do a lot of stupid things

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Ten items I would like to own but don’t are…

1. An All-Access Creative Live subscription

2. A studio space

3. A new laptop

4. A secondary full frame camera + Lenses

5. A fully restored classic car

6. A house/home/living space

7. More lighting modifiers

8. A cat…or maybe ALL of the cats

9. A nice suit that fits me perfectly

10. An arcade machine

Oh man could I easily list more than just 10…

And if by random happenstance you want to buy something for me from my Amazon wish list. I won’t stop you. You can access it here: http://a.co/5DxeOT5

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Day 32:
Something is happening.

I have an idea. I don’t know if it’s going to work…but I’m going to try it.

Protip: The worst someone can say is “No”.

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Check In

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? Are you starting to like them–At all? How was the experience for you? I completed all of my morning pages this week. So far I’m not having too much trouble completing the pages. I’m still not sure its working the way that it should be, I mean I am getting some insight into some of my issues, but I don’t think it’s going as well as it is “supposed” to be going.

On the plus side I feel like I’m handling stressers better, and for the most part I feel better day to day. So that’s a plus side I guess.

Did you do your artist date this week? Have you had the experience of hearing answers during the leisure time? What did you do for your date? How did it feel? Have you taken an artist date yet that really felt adventurous? I guess I did my date? I took a trip to Ikea for batteries. I always like walking around Ikea. I find it both inspiring and incredibly frustrating. I want my crazy awesome living room/office/studio apartment. I really don’t need a large living space. A studio is a different story.

I don’t think I am hearing any answers to any of the questions I’m asking. Which makes me wonder if I’m asking the right ones.

I haven’t really done anything “adventurous” yet. I’m not sure what I could do that makes me feel that way. I’m not even sure if I’m taking the right dates. I tend to just keep doing things that allow me to take a break from the day to day and allow my thoughts to keep moving.

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it? Try inaugurating a conversation on synchronicity with your friends. I was browsing Twitter on Friday night and came across a Tweet from the official TAW page that was on the topic of Week 5…AS I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF WEEK 5! That was pretty neat. I’ll share it below:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/artistswaycre8/2018/10/12/finding-water-week-5-autonomy

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery? Describe them. By the end of tomorrow when this goes live I can say…I shot something! Last year I missed my Halloween series, so I made sure that this year something got shot. I’m also in the planning phases for something else that hopefully will be super exciting. This will be the first time I’ve used my camera to take a portrait since before DragonCon. And hopefully I can keep making progress to keep making new work between now and the end of the year.

The Artist's Way - Week 4

Day 22:

I’m pretty jet-lagged, but I don’t feel as bad as I could be. So that’s a blessing I guess. I ended up going into work for a few hours to get some things done. I’m about to start some work on Week 4 (reading, exercises, whatever I can manage to keep myself awake).

I stumbled across a music video that was a really interesting visual piece, it was super high concept and made me both feel like I need to step up my game and quit everything all at the same time.

I fell down a bit of a youtube hole and ended up finding this video from the Russian band Little Big. I watched the behind the scenes video first before finding the actual video itself. It’s so simple yet so visually interesting. It made me feel some sort of way.

Please don’t watch this video at work, or around your grandparents. You’ll thank me later.

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Week 4 Goals:

Morning Pages x7
Artist Date x1
Buried Dreams Exercise
Reading Deprivation
Complete as many additional Exercises as possible.

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Day 22 (Continued):
I think I figured out what I want to do for my Halloween shoot this year. Stay tuned (and stay funded).

Aw shit, I just did the reading for the week and I remembered that week 4 is the one where you are required to give up reading for the week. Since the only thing I’m reading is social media, Photo news blogs and The Artist’s Way (the latter being acceptable as per the text itself) I guess I’m off Facebook for the week.

Probably should give up podcasts too since they are my reading-analog as well. But we’ll see about that.

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Buried Dreams: An Exercise

“As recovering creatives, we often have to excavate our own pasts for the shards of buried dreams and delights. Do a little digging, please. Be fast and frivolous. This is an exercise in spontaneity, so be sure to write your answers out quickly. Speed kills the Censor. ”

— Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way

List 5 Hobbies that sound fun:
Podcasting
Sailing
Brewing beer/Distilling Spirits
Model Building
Metalworking

List 5 Classes that sound fun:
Pottery
Metalworking
Calligraphy
Urban Survival
Surfing

List 5 things that you would personally never do that sound fun:
Bungee Jumping/Sky diving
Performing Burlesque
Airsoft/Paintball
LARP-ing
Stand Up Comedy

List 5 skills that would be fun to have:
Outdoor Survival
Speaking another language
Lock-Picking (or be better at it I guess)
Identifying edible plants/mushrooms/animals
Playing a musical instrument.

List 5 things you used to enjoy doing:
Cooking for friends
Shopping/Listening to records
Singing/Karaoke
Writing
Going out to a club and hanging out

List 5 silly things you would like to try once:
Knife Throwing
Fire Eating/Breathing
Sideshow Tricks (Human Blockhead, bed of nails, etc)
Buy something from an Infomercial
Have dinner at Medieval Times

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Day 23:
I started my reading/media fast today. Which shouldn’t be too hard. I’m giving up social media and photography blogs, but not podcasts. I probably should, since I found myself having problems giving them up. But I still need something to get through traffic.

Met up with Nikki tonight to catch up since we have missed each other for the last 2 weeks due to schedule conflicts.

I think the hardest part of this week will be seeing notifications build up. That gives me such anxiety.

Its only been a single day and these 4 notifications are already driving me insane.

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Day 24:

My Media fast made it all of a day before I caved and looked at Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I’m part ashamed, and another part frustrated. Not because I NEED to look at these things in my life, but because I realize how much downtime I have that used to be filled with just mindlessly scrolling.

I have a great feeling of Boredom right now, boredom I should be turning into creative endeavors. But I still have a few hours before I can do anything outside of sketching up ideas on paper.

Life Pie 2

Some minor changes, but not many. The process takes time.

List ongoing self-nurturing toys you could buy your artist:

• AD200 Flash Kit (x2)

• Collapsable Flash Modifiers

• New Camera Bag/Backpack

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Environment: Describe your ideal environment. Town? Country? Swank? Cozy? One paragraph, one image that conveys this.

My ideal environment would have to be some sort of loft in a mid-sized city. No place too large, but not too small either. It would need good parking, with ideally some sort of garage and/or workshop. Or both! Enough room to shoot, and enough room to move around. Maybe about half lit with good natural light. Bonus points if I could live there too. And the most important is it has to be mine. I have to be able to own it, or rent it at an extremely rent controlled situation.

I want this place so badly, except less white.

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Day 26:

I came up with a few different concepts for my annual Halloween Spooky Shoot. Hopefully with the help from my team I’ll be able to make at least one of these come to life.

ALSO I ended up spending a fair chunk of money on new flash equipment and a new bag today. I don’t immediately regret it, but that fear of spending money on things that feel frivolous still does haunt me a little bit.

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Check In:

How many days this week did you do your morning pages? How was this experience for you?

6.5. I woke up a little late one day this week and had to do my pages from the office a few hours after waking up. I think that it was better to do it that way than to skip the day. I only ended up writing like a page and a half before I felt like people were watching me. Overall the experience is still good. I don’t think my “radio” is working, and I wonder if I’ll continue after week 12. But so far so good.

Did you go on your artist date this week? What did you do? How did it feel?

I took myself to the Halloween store yesterday. I’ll be working through Halloween proper so once again I’ll be missing out on the fun, but I liked walking through. Their home decor section is really stepping up and has some things that I totally would use to decorate my everyday space.

As sort of a part 2 I ended up visiting with a friend and playing board games late into Sunday morning. While by definition this doesn’t exactly count as a date since I did it with other people, I’m still counting it as it was something that brought me out of my usual day to day schedule.

Did you experience any synchronicity this week? What was it?

Actually yes, I did. So one of my “I want to_______” statements from week 2 (that didn’t really get mentioned in the blog) revolved around the idea of romantic relationships and wanting to move towards having one in my life. Because of the massive delays in my trip home, I was offered a travel voucher that was right at enough for a round trip plane ticket to spend some time with someone that has been in my life since college, and truthfully is the only person with whom I even have any sort of remotely romantic relationship with (or the possibility of such). I’m working out my schedule to go visit this person sometime very soon.

Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant to your recovery? Describe them.

There were a couple of exercises this week that I chose to skip.

The first one asked me to describe myself at 80 and it wanted me to specify what I did in my life between 50-80. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. I barely know what it’s like to be 30, much less to be 50 or even 80.

The second wanted me to write a letter to my 8 year old self, and to be honest I’m not even sure I have any positive concrete memories of 8. I’ve worked very hard to block out large parts of that time for my own sake.

If you broke your media deprivation write about how you did it. How do you feel about it? Why?

The deprivation lasted about a day. And I’m really not sure how to feel about it. I certainly wanted to make it the whole week. And I’m a little ashamed that I couldn’t make it. But I found that I when I completed all the work for my day job that I quickly became bored and all I wanted to do was read about photography related things and try to learn more. I wanted to stretch my creative wings, even though I was in a place where I couldn’t for several hours in a stretch.

I understand why we were asked to fast, it does really truly show how much time is wasted doing things that don’t really push us forward. But at the same time, reading and learning for me are helpful to keep the gears turning and moving forward. I already have removed one social media account from my phone, and find the others mostly constructive so they can stay. But I do agree that sometimes, time can be better served doing vs reading.